040 VOICE LIST SIXTEEN

[deadliestviper]

[Coming out of her first death toll (first real death toll; those times on the Mirror Barge don’t count), Beatrix is in bad shape. Everything hurts and she’s moving much slower than normal, shivering from a cold that just won’t go away. But there are things to be said, news to be shared, and they won’t wait for her to feel better. When the audio clicks on it catches nothing but a breath of air, the sound of hair brushing fabric and skin. Then a throaty voice, hoarse, one straining to sound as normal as possible:]

I want to apologize for everything my other self did. [She pauses; she wishes she could say she’d never done it, but in a sense she hadn’t. She wishes she could say it sickens her to see what her other self is capable of, but all the crimes were those she’d committed before.

Maybe all she can say is that she’ll never do it again.]

I won’t ask anyone to trust me after that. But if any of the people I hurt need satisfaction, whether in the form of words or blood, they’ll have it.

Just make it quick, please. I have unfinished business at home.

Private Messages

[Cecil, Vin, and Bond, separately]
We need to talk. [Mostly about how you’d better not be like that normally.]

[Arya]
I am not happy with you.

[Anya and Ben]
Please know that in my right mind I’d never would do anything to hurt either of you. You don’t have to believe it, but I need to say it.

[Zack]
I… Thank you. Thank you so much. For everything.

And I’m so sorry for trying to kill you.

[Friends and Family]
I’m sorry, again, about what I was.

I don’t know why, but I just – graduated. [She sounds supremely confused about this. Yes, Mirror Barge taught her two lessons, that death is cruel but can also be merciful, that war isn’t always the way to go. They seem like such simple truths, but they’re difficult to realize.] I’m going home. If you’re up for it, I’d like to see you before I go.

Comments

private

[versusnurture]

You're leaving.

[There's strength back in her voice now - and anger. Lots of it. Not at Bea, but just in general.]

private

[deadliestviper]

Yes, but not forever.

I'll be back. There's too much here that I need.

[She's unsure whether she should ask about the anger, whether it's directed at her or someone else.] Are you going to be all right?

private

[indispensible]

Yes.

. . . I'm not going to make excuses. There aren't any to make. But I'd like to talk.

private

[deadliestviper]

Thank you. [Excuses are the last thing she wants to hear.]

To begin with, I apologize for baiting you.

[Private, voice forever]

[comfortinconsistency]

[Ngh. In the aftermath, Cecil is much quieter. Less boisterous, less enthusiastic. Much less of his bubbly self. He DOES NOT LIKE KEVIN that was...terrible.

But he puts on a brave, unaffected face and mostly manages to at least insert it into his voice even if his face doesn't quite match.]

About what?

[Private, voice forever]

[deadliestviper]

[Perhaps the hint of strain in his voice shouldn't be comforting, and perhaps it's cruel of Bea to take it that way. It means he isn't the same person as her gleefully psychotic mirror warden, which is very welcome news.]

About whether your tastes in decorating always includes viscera.

private

[inhell]

...you're going forever?

[ No, no, please say that's not going to happen. ]

private

[deadliestviper]

No. Just for a little while.

There are people back home I have to see.

[Filter]

[with_my_teacup]

You better get your ass here before you leave.

[Filter]

[deadliestviper]

None of you are getting rid of me without saying goodbye first.

[Private]

[fearcutsdeeperthanswords]

[She has not been remotely comfortable, thinking about what's happened. It hasn't torn her up, but she's been laying on Nymeria since they could retreat back to their cabin. She doesn't try to ignore the message, but it does trigger her ire, raising her hackles before the fight even starts.

It puts her on the defensive.]

I'm not going to say sorry. That wasn't me.

[Private]

[deadliestviper]

[The discomfort is not something that goes just one way, but it dissipates when Arya replies so stoutly. It makes Beatrix smile. That's the one she knows.]

I know, and I don't expect you to.

Have you ever done that before?

[Private]

[lastrat]

I'd rather not.

[He's drunk: it's not immediately evident. He's being facetious but at the same time, there is weight in his voice. He's trying to escape dwelling. Talking doesn't make it easier.]

[Private]

[deadliestviper]

Believe me, this isn't a walk in the park for me either.

[He's not getting out of it that easy.]

[fridgetothefire]

[The gracious thing, the easy thing to say, is that none of them were themselves. Only Anya doesn't believe that. She feels like that girl was absolutely her. Part of her wants to confess - you were perfect, you were brilliant, except you gave up too soon, not quite ruthless enough to make Dean kill you - but that would just be cruel.]

I believe you.

When you come back, I'd like to resume lessons. But I do have a favor to ask, if I could.

[deadliestviper]

Whatever you'd like.

[She's eager, maybe too much so, to make up for what she did. For the simple changes of circumstances it took to push her to it.]

[mirabilis]

She made sense. [ With her reasoning, anyway. It was revenge, and not only for herself but for others too - vengeance. She understood that, and it was reasonable ]

[deadliestviper]

In that world, maybe. [It's the realization that it wouldn't be sensible everywhere - not the Barge proper, not among friends, but maybe at home - that pushed her this far.]

[text]

[routemistress]

you graduated because you deserve to, Bea love

i'm in the ces with an icepack and my dogs if you want to drop in here, else i'll pop in on my way back if you remind me of your room number. brain a bit scrambled still.

p.s. sorry about Bianca. do you remember any of the times other!you had a go at her now?

[text]

[deadliestviper]

That's what they'll say, isn't it?

Don't mention ice and I'll make my way up there. It's not doing anything disturbing, is it?

No, but I remember waking up in strange places with no idea how I got there.

[fire_punk]

You don't need to apologize. I would've done it anyhow. Or tried.

[deadliestviper]

I'm still sorry.

[Private]

[unknownsoldier]

[He coughs. He's been drinking, since that awful Mirror Barge, but he's sober when he flicks on the feed.]

You're not on my warden item. Congrats.

Don't worry about the [handwave, he trails off.]

[Private]

[deadliestviper]

Thank you.

No, it shouldn't have ever happened. She would have done anything for you, and she - I - ended up as that sick fuck-up... I can't thank you enough for putting a stop to it.

I know it must have been hard.

[Private]

[forsaken_queen]

[Oh look, someone is back to normal. ]

You're leaving.

[Private]

[deadliestviper]

[And someone else better understands why Sylvanas was so upset to be changed.]

You remember that half-blind bitch we had to take out in Silent Hill? Back home, the real thing's still free and healthy, poisoning wells as she goes. I have to take care of her. And Budd, and then Bill.

I'm coming back when they're dead.

[ Private ]

[warisart]

[Almost delicately, but extremely deliberately, Ben ignores the first part of this. He's seen enough people leaving to know that he's fortunate to get to talk to her, first, and he is happy for her.

Typically, there's not much besides the death toll of his own in his voice, though he is slightly more guarded than he might otherwise have been.]

If I do not know that, it would be through no fault of yours. Similarly, do you understand that I was considerably further outside of my own control than I would normally be at present?

[ Private ]

[deadliestviper]

[That hint of hesitation in his voice is something she can't begrudge him, but it hurts nonetheless. It's just a tiny sliver of distrust but it works its way right under Beatrix's skin and her voice is soft when she replies.]

I understand that. Do you want to see me?

[yeahscience]

Congrats. [His voice is cracked and weary, with a flatness that could be taken as sarcasm, but he means it. Unfinished business: he knows what that means in the mouth of an inmate. He remembers saying it himself, once.]

[deadliestviper]

Thanks. [This is the most awkward part of causing injury on the Barge, Bea thinks. The apologies afterwards, the valiant if ultimately exhausting effort to move on.] How are you feeling?