021 VOICE LIST NINE

[deadliestviper]

Fine.

You've all thought about it, even if you haven't said it: if you could kill anyone, or order anyone killed, from your world or here, who would it be?

If you feel like answering a bonus question, why? Unless you're extraordinarily brave, I expect your answer privately. No judgment.

Comments

Private

[mistconduct]

Fuck, maybe in six months I'll be some sort of lightweight boxer and it won't fucking matter.

Private

[deadliestviper]

It'll take longer than six months.

Private

[mistconduct]

Shit. Is there a fighting style you can learn in six months?

Private

[deadliestviper]

Depends how fast you pick it up. But no one goes from a novice to a master that quickly, not unless you're willing to live and breathe it every moment.

Private

[mistconduct]

I'm not a bad shot with a gun.

Private

[deadliestviper]

Then there are plenty of people here who'll help you with that – but you're still probably not going to be doing gun kata by September.

Private

[mistconduct]

Well for fuck's sake, can I at least teach myself how to knit? God damn it you are the worst motivational coach ever.

Private

[deadliestviper]

Fine, fine – it's not enough time to turn you into an expert but it's not so little time we can't do something. Besides shooting, what do you want to learn?

Private

[mistconduct]

Y'know, it's great you're asking, because I've always wanted to learn how to do a French braid and also do seasonal eyeshadow in just the right fucking shade that toes the line between "sexy superhero" and "Daddy didn't love me enough."

Private

[deadliestviper]

Sorry, can't help you with either of those. If you ever want to learn to handle an edged weapon, let me know.

Private

[mistconduct]

Dude, they fucking let you have a sword?

Private

[deadliestviper]

Of course they don't let me have a sword. They don't "let" me have anything. There used to be a decent range of practice weapons in the gym but not anymore, thank you Admiral.

I know a guy who might be willing to help out.

Private

[mistconduct]

Yeah, what the fuck is even up with that, anyway?

Oh yeah? What guy do you know?

Private

[deadliestviper]

Don't ask me, I don't know what's going on with him. Nobody does.

A guy I have a feeling you might like. Look, I can teach you swordsmanship and basic skills with a knife. Are you interested or not?

Private

[mistconduct]

Maybe he gave up linear perspective and stable laws of physics for Lent....Actually, fuck that falls right within the timeline of when he started this shit. Fucking Admiral is Catholic.

I'm interested! Jesus. But what do we do, practice with butter knives?

Private

[deadliestviper]

We use bokken and escrima sticks to start with. You're not getting a knife until you've proven you can handle it, but you can still learn the technique.

Private

[mistconduct]

I feel this is all preemptive bullshit leading up to me cluelessly agreeing to let you stab me with a pencil over and over for shits and giggles.

Private

[deadliestviper]

Don't be ridiculous. Why the hell would I stab you with a pencil?

Private

[mistconduct]

Slow-acting lead poisoning.

Private

[deadliestviper]

It's graphite now, not lead.

Private

[mistconduct]

...Is there such a thing as graphite poisoning?

Private

[deadliestviper]

No. Not unless you packed it down someone's esophagus or something, and at that point strangling them would be a lot easier.

Private

[mistconduct]

Unless you were trying to - wait for it - write somebody a message.

Private

[deadliestviper]

Ouch.

Private

[mistconduct]

Yeah, that one was a stretch.

But I mean, if I'm going to knife fight I have to banter, right?