042 VOICE LIST SEVENTEEN

[deadliestviper]

So obviously the Admiral is getting into the holiday spirit.

[She skips out on "Hello" and "Hey guys, I'm awake". The former goes without saying, the latter is obvious.]

Last year we got hit with the Christmas storm too. It was nice, though kind of generic -- good food, mistletoe, lights, presents. It's a big holiday in multiple countries on earth, though it doesn't exist in most other cultures so I think it threw some people off.

I guess what I'm asking is, what do you celebrate if you have a winter holiday? Hell, if you celebrate Christmas, what traditions do you have? My kid always got her presents as part of a scavenger hunt, and I once had a friend whose parents, I shit you not, played "hide the pickle" on Christmas morning. It's not what it sounds like.

Also, last year I attempted to explain the stories behind Christmas and had very little success. Please, someone, do it better than I did.



Private to the Admiral
XMAS LIST
Riddick - Ginsu knives
Ben - A.A. Milne's books and The Tao of Pooh
Rogue - antique Southern parasol
Arthas - set of goblets made of human skulls
Iris - tiny gin fountain
Abigail - martial arts punching bag
Anya - Acoustic guitar, instruction book, sheet music for 50s/60s rock songs (with piano accompaniment?)
Cassel - high quality athletic shoes, clothing
Chris - Kavalier and Clay
Rorschach - crossword puzzles?
Helena - pocketwatch showing the time back in her home, on the Barge, and in one additional place of her choosing
Cecil - magic Christmas lights (shape/color-changing, to replace the intestines)
Marquis de Sade - inkwell and set of silver-tipped quill pens
Barbara - A small sample of The Undisputed Truth (Bill's truth serum)
Stephanie - wafflemaker
Sylvanas - Hanzo sword (restrictions - stays with me w/o warden OK, training only?)
Ellie - Squishable sheep
Jesse - easel, canvases, and a book about making your own paint
Ned - assortment of sugars, spices, and flours
Arya - steel helmet, plate mail in her size
Vin - SOG Seal Team Elite
Lua - a nice dress
Red - gift basket filled with her favorite foods
All passengers - The Art of War and The Art of Peace

Comments

[mistconduct]

Step aside, Bea. Let the Catholic show you guys how it's done.

Listen up, Barge fucks! I'm about to walk you through the story of Christmas.

A long long time ago on Earth - everything good and awesome and important happens on Earth - there was this guy and his woman living in the desert. And so the guy had some sort of erectile dysfunction going on, couldn't get it up or whatever, so God up on High looks down and goes, "Yo, I got this shit. Lemme help you out."

So he sends down his angel and the angel says to the chick, "Sup. You're pregnant now. With God's semen. And that kid that's gonna grow inside of you is also God. So. Y'know. Here's some wise men with presents."

And so three wise men or kings show up and give gifts and I guess the original husband wet his beak by fucking a reindeer or something.

Anyway.

Lady gives birth and out comes the father of all swear words, Jesus Fucking Christ. And Jesus - who's also God - is all "Things suck. You all need to be nicer to each other, for fuck's sake."

Not like. Right off the bat. He was still a kid. He said that shit later, when he grew up.

So anyway, Jesus grows up and starts getting up on rocks and preaching all sorts of shit about maybe not being such fucking cunts to one another. And people start going, "y'know, maybe this asshole has a point. Fuck the rich and greedy."

So this was like the original hippies club. And as you'd expect, people don't like hippies. So all these religious leaders and Romans got together and were all like, "Fuck Jesus. We should make a dartboard out of him."

So...Wait, fuck, that's Easter.

Okay. Okay, back up. Pretend I didn't say all that. Jesus was born and that's why we have Christmas.

And also Santa Claus who's just some sort of glory-hogging FBI-spying fuck who hangs out picking strange kids up in malls.

[myironeyes]

A dartboard.

[mistconduct]

Well, y'know. All the nails and spears and shit. He was pretty much a dartboard towards the end. Early civilizations were fucked uuuup.

[deadliestviper]

...

All right, Chris. This is all you.

[mistconduct]

OKAY so. Jesus is pretty fucking important but you don't find out why until Easter so all you need to know for Christmas is that he was born and it was killer. Like humanity's Super Bowl.

And we celebrate this by cutting down trees and dragging them into the house and putting shit all over them and giving each other presents. Which I guess makes sense because Jesus was born in a desert where there were no trees and we're like, symbolically going, "Hey Jesus, we got you a tree because the desert sucks."

[myironeyes]

...I couldn't possibly imagine.

[Says the man staring at Chris with spikes instead of eyeballs.]

[mistconduct]

Marsh, have you secretly been Jesus all this time?


If you're Jesus you have to tell me. I'm pretty sure that's in the rules of the New Testament.

[myironeyes]

I'm not god.

I was an angel once.

And I was an evil angel before that.

[la_belle_rogue]

[This lapsed Southern Baptist is amused and slightly boggled.]

That's one of the most...colorful renditions of the birth of Christ Ah ever heard.

[mistconduct]

Ah.



Well.


You're really moving up on that good old celestial career ladder there.

[mistconduct]

I'm a revolutionary. Just like Him.

[myironeyes]

Why is Jesus important?

Do you realize this is the first time I've gotten to tag him?

[la_belle_rogue]

[No, honey. Not just like Him. But nice try.]

Always good ta set yer sights high.

[mistconduct]

You're an angel and you can't tell me why Jesus is important.

Guess.

poor Rogue. You could've escaped.

[mistconduct]

Oh my god.


Oh my god I just thought of something.


Look, just. Just bear with me on this.


What if. What if I graduated my inmate.

And my deal was to be Jesus.

[myironeyes]

I wasn't an Earth angel.

[So he doesn't know about everything awesome and good and important, Chris.]

[mistconduct]

I suddenly just thought of Back to the Future. Not really sure why.

...

Anyway.

How come I've never seen you fly around before?

[myironeyes]

It's not an efficient way to move indoors.

XD

[la_belle_rogue]

Ah think that would get real complicated. Would ya be Jesus now, or just back then. And if you're Jesus back then, does that create a paradox? If it's now, then are ya basically crammin' a deity down yer own throat and coexistin'? If that's the case, it could get real bothersome decidin' who's drivin'.

[mistconduct]

Jesus christ, stop overthinking it. Stop overthinking...me. No, I'm just going to show up back in New York and start granting miracles. Walking around on the Hudson, curing bums of STDs, throwing fish and loaves fucking everywhere...

[mistconduct]

Bullshit. You don't have wings.

[myironeyes]

I did, for a while.

But I don't need them.

[mistconduct]

Okay. Serious question time. If I want wings, which works better: a bell, or Red Bull?

[myironeyes]

[Head. Tilt.]

You don't want wings.

[mistconduct]

It'd have to be easier than walking around on fake legs. Sure, I want wings.